Where has the time gone?

I can't believe as I am writing this, my little boy is almost four months old! I am so smitten with our little man that I will choose playing with him in lieu of writing a blog every time. However, someday I will regret that I did not put these times into words at least periodically. Ryan and I watch J and know he's learning something, it's so miraculous. It's so funny but so true that everything your child does is cute, I just can't get enough! I think we take for granted all the skills acquired in our lifetime. J loves people talking to him and his bottles! He is becoming such a chunk (though I am not at all surprised about this). The caregivers at his daycare were telling me that though he is behind in the physical milestones (rolling over) he is one of the more interactive babies. I guess Ryan and I never expected to create a Michael Jordan, ha!

On that note, J started daycare at the beginning of this month and I feel like every day I have to hold in the tears leaving him there. It's like I'm leaving a piece of me behind and I don't get it back until we meet again in the evening. It has gotten a little easier as I have gotten to know the "teachers" better and see how much J likes them. However, I still can't help but feel a little guilty about it. I think it's ten times harder on me than J. I don't think I would ever want to quit working completely but having a lighter schedule would be nice. Unfortunately, that is not an option for me at this point. I am so thankful that I have my dream job but just have to find a better balance.

It's strange thinking back on my last blog and how much has changed even since then. The first few weeks postpartum were kind of difficult on me. I have never had any problems with feeling sad or depressed but that was the closest I've gotten to it. I was surprised as I never anticipated that happening. Literally everything made me want to cry. I was so in love with my little boy yet so exhausted and overwhelmed. I was celebrating the birth of my child but mourning the baby in my belly, the person who had lived within me for nine months. It is not logical and I am embarrassed to admit it, but that's honestly how I felt. My head understood that the baby that was inside me was J but my heart still felt like something had been ripped from it. Birth is such a traumatic separation that it's almost scary not feeling the baby move inside anymore. I was even having phantom baby movements. I can't explain it any better than that, it was just strange. However, that feeling soon subsided so maybe it was just the hormones. Now, I can't even imagine being anything but thankful for everything God has blessed us with. I am starting the most important role of my life, being a mommy, and wow is it a great ride! I can't wait to see what kind of little man J blossoms into. Nothing has ever felt more real or significant. 

Love, Raquel

J's Birth Story

My pregnancy had been going smooth and I had been feeling great. However, my doctor was concerned because of slow weight gain and that I was measuring three weeks behind where I should be at my 36-week appointment. Because of this, my doctor decided to get a growth scan to make sure baby was growing OK. R and I went to the ultrasound thinking everything would be fine and we’d go to work afterwards. During the ultrasound my heart began racing when I saw the baby's head measuring in the 40^th percentile and abdomen 15^th percentile, estimated to weigh only 5 pounds 3 ounces at this time. This is called asymmetric growth and typically means that the placenta is no longer functioning as well as it should. The ultrasound technician told us she didn’t want us to leave until she talked to a physician and I overheard the doctor say “bed rest”. How on earth am I going to go on bed rest?? I have to work! That is honestly the first thing that crossed my mind, I feel bad about that now. Since my doctor wasn’t at the clinic where my ultrasound was, R and I had to drive to go see my doctor and she confirmed what I thought, that she wanted me to quit working and go on bed rest to help the perfusion of the baby from the placenta. I agreed as she said this was the best thing for the baby, how could I argue with that? She told me she wanted me to get to 39 weeks so that the baby could grow a bit before he was born and so we scheduled an induction.

            R's mom, offered to come take care of me and help around the house while I was on bed rest. It didn’t even cross my mind at first that I may need more help but let me tell you, she made life much better once she came. I felt like my stomach was in knots those entire two and a half weeks. All I could think about was how much the baby was moving and praying that he was going to be OK. I was trying to stay positive but inside felt that at any moment I could break down. In my profession, I know all too well what things CAN happen. It is a curse to know too much sometimes. C and I spent a lot of time on our iPads playing Monopoly and Scrabble and just enjoying each other’s company, which was distracting (in a good way). I know I was not in my most fun mood and was very tired during that time. C, I love you so much for coming and taking care of Ryan, baby and me those weeks! I feel very fortunate to have such an amazing inherited family along with my own that supports us so much.

            Each day of bed rest passed uneventfully and baby boy passed every non-stress test and biophysical profile, which was reassuring. Though some of us thought I might go into labor on my own, it never happened. My induction date came and I was ready to go in to have the baby! I had to go in the night before the induction to get some medicine to prepare my body for labor, as this was my first baby. I slept well that night because they monitored the baby all night and as the nurses kept telling me he was “very happy” (good heart rate) which was reassuring.

Last pregnancy photo - 39 weeks

The next morning at 6 am after only four hours of sleep the nurses woke me up to start getting the medicine to start labor. My mom had driven to Kansas City the night before and got to the hospital about 9 that morning and I was SO thankful to have her there. You are never too old to need your mom. She even braided my hair! The morning passed slowly. I was having contractions but they were not painful, just uncomfortable, but they were not changing my cervix. My doctor came to check on me about 1:30 in the afternoon and decided it was time to break my water. I knew there was no turning back at that point so I was excited that this was actually going to happen. Holy cow did that get things moving very quickly after that!

The contractions got closer together and progressively more painful. I would describe the pain as a violent twisting of the lower abdomen that radiates to your back and literally stops you from breathing or thinking about anything else but getting through the pain. It was different than I thought, though. I’m not sure why but I was trying to hold off on getting the epidural for a while. I told my mom I wanted to know what it felt like to be in real labor, stupid I know. However, I only lasted 1.5 hours of what I thought was “real” labor before I decided to get the epidural. I had gone from 2 cm to 5 cm in those 1.5 hours of time so things were moving quickly. I was amazed at how incredibly supportive Ryan was through the whole thing. He is not a medical person so I thought he would be less involved than he was. He even stayed in the room and supported me when I was getting my epidural. I have to admit that was probably traumatizing to him, I was getting the labor shakes, having contractions every minute and a half, and getting a large needle into my spine. After that he looked pale and excused himself for some fresh air! Poor guy, I was feeling SO much better at that point though.

Things were much calmer after that, I felt my mom and Ryan relax and I was able to rest. Unfortunately, around 6:00 pm I slowly started feeling contractions on my left side again, the epidural was wearing out. They brought the anesthesiologist back to give me more medicine but that did no good. Wow, did those contractions hurt! When my nurse told me that I was probably going to push this baby out without a working epidural I was terrified. The pain was so bad and I couldn’t imagine trying to push at the same time. However, I somehow garnered the strength to push through the contractions with the sole goal of seeing and holding my baby boy. Things were moving so quickly once I started pushing that the nurses were concerned my doctor wasn’t going to make it for the delivery. I think my mom and Ryan were concerned my nurse was going to deliver the baby. I didn’t care at that point who delivered the baby as long as he came soon! Surprisingly, pushing eased the pain of the contractions. At our birthing class, our instructor told us that for each contraction, the first and second pushes get the baby moving but the third push gets the baby OUT! For my fellow high school basketball teammates, guess what I was thinking about? Running Streaks!! These were sprints we used to run during basketball practice and the third streak was always the most difficult but we all ran the hardest during that one, hence why it came to my mind. 

Apparently it worked because I pushed only 17 minutes and at 7:22 pm, J R came screaming into this World a healthy 6 pounds 8 ounces, 19 inches long, with Apgar scores of 8 and 9. I cannot describe the flood of emotions the moment I saw him for the first time. All I could think about was how he was handsome like his Daddy. My heart was exploding with love for my little boy and my husband. I could not stop crying tears of joy. The anxiety and relief was pouring out of me! I think I knew how much I would love J but I did not know how overwhelming that love would be. It is definitely a moment I will never forget. He is the most beautiful baby (of course I think that)! Even looking at him now at two weeks old I cannot help but get choked up about how beautiful and what an amazing miracle he is. I don’t know how we got so lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful Gift, but I am forever grateful. God is good! 

J R, after his 1st bath

33 weeks

I wanted to share some pictures of my baby shower that Tessa took. She did such an awesome job. I don't have the jpeg's yet so I'll share the link to the Shutterfly site she posted them to. Thank you for taking pictures, Tessa! My mom and sister threw me an absolutely beautiful baby shower a few weeks ago in Minneapolis. It meant so much that so many people came, I felt so loved! The baby got so many wonderful things and will be very well dressed. Savannah, you are one of the most amazing people in my life and love you so much for doing something so special for me and your future nephew. We read the book you gave him and I know he's going to adore you as much as I do. We are so lucky to have you, you are the best twin sister in the whole World! I can't thank everyone for all the gifts! The link to the pictures:

http://raquelsbabyshower.shutterfly.com/

We have been having such a beautiful Spring, so spoiled! Ryan and I have been spending lots of time spring cleaning and preparing for baby. We are only seven weeks away (or so) from the arrival of our little bundle. I am already kind of panicking that everything will not be ready. My mom was telling me that I may have to let go of my particularities once this baby comes. I know it's true but I've just gotten so used to things be a certain way that I get anxiety thinking things won't be exactly how I plan them to be. I've gotten a bit anal retentive with age... I blame Kacie!! She increased my standard of living when we lived together in college and now I like things as neat as she kept them :) It's a blessing and a curse at the same time that I am that way. However, I do realize I have to let some things go... but what? Clean dishes? Organization? TV? That's it! I want to fully enjoy and soak in every moment with my little one so I intend to have as much prepared beforehand so I can soak them all in. Naive of me??

We are also getting worried that we have not picked out a name for our little guy. We like a lot of names, but love none. We had a name for a little girl, of course. We don't want a common name yet want it to be classic and not too weird. Those criteria make it difficult! I'm sure we will settle on something soon??

Our little guy has been moving a ton lately! I have felt these rhythmic pulses at times and have now realized he's hiccuping, so cute. We almost have his bedroom completely prepared, just a few finishing touches left. Ryan is refinishing a dresser for him we bought off Craigslist so we'll have a place to put all his cute clothes. I will share pictures on my next blog. Until then here is a teaser. Notice the painting on the wall? My little sister Peyton made that for us. It is so perfect, she is such a talented young lady. We love it Peyton, thank you! My mom and Peyton also made those blocks. They are made up of different pictures I drew when I was little, signatures of grandparents from old birthday cards, and even a picture of Ryan as a baby that says, "my daddy, my hero". They are so precious and fit perfectly in the room. My drawings are not nearly as well done as Peyton's though :)

The baby has turned head down which means he's getting ready (I guess), ahh! I can't wait to meet him. Everything is going perfectly according to my doctor. I pray everyday the delivery goes well and he comes out healthy, my biggest concern of all. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing it but I still feel great! My doctor was surprised when she felt my feet and I have absolutely no swelling yet. I still have a little trouble sleeping but by no means am I sleep deprived. I count my blessings.

33 weeks

Love ♥

Raquel

3rd Trimester!

We have made it to the third trimester! I can't even believe it. I am getting excited/nervous/anxious all at the same time. I just can't wait to meet our new little bundle of joy. He has a personality already. He loves Daddy reading him books and doesn't like Mommy vacuuming! So far I haven't experienced the dreaded third trimester symptoms of pregnancy. I feel awesome (truly), though I do move a bit slower :) I had an appointment yesterday and baby is measuring perfectly, though apparently I am not gaining enough weight. My doctor told me to tell Ryan that he needs to start feeding me more, never thought I would hear that in my lifetime!! She did say that as long as I'm measuring on track though she's not overly concerned about it yet. I told her I have 12 weeks to catch up! I also had my glucose test and all I have to say about that is people are good at complaining, I thought the juice was actually pretty good! Don't know the results yet though...

I was also going to update you on the level II ultrasound we had. They still saw the spot on baby's heart but he had no other markers for Downs syndrome and the perinatologist said she is not concerned. She said either Ryan or I could have had the same thing as babies but it went unnoticed because they didn't do ultrasounds then. It eased our minds a lot! She said it will have no effect on his future heart functioning. We have a healthy (little) guy, he's in the 40th percentile for height and weight according to the ultrasound measurements. God is good!

I haven't meant to turn my blog into a pregnancy update blog but we really haven't been doing anything too exciting lately. Ryan started taking MBA classes two nights a week and I've been keeping really busy at work so we have been pretty boring. He is enjoying it so far but I think he's realizing how big of a commitment it is going to be! I'm proud of him for setting his mind on something and doing it, even though it means I see him two fewer nights a week :(

We are getting pretty excited to head up to Minnesota in a few weeks for Joey's Jawas Type I diabetes walk at the Mall of America and my baby shower. Hope everyone is surviving the frigid winter, wait a minute, has winter even come yet??

27 weeks

Love ♥
Raquel

Dear baby,

Dear baby J,

My task for this week was to write you a letter. It may seem early for me to write you, but I already have such strong feelings I want to share. Every time I feel you move inside my love for you grows, I cannot explain the feeling. You are already becoming your own person and I cannot wait to meet you. I have dreamed of you for a long time and I am so thankful God felt your dad and I were worthy of such an amazing gift. Speaking of your daddy, you are one lucky little guy! He is so excited to show you the World and will love you to pieces. As our love grows for you, so does our love for each other.

My hopes and dreams for you are simple. All I want for you is to be a healthy, respectful man and do whatever makes you happy. I will do whatever I can to make all your dreams come true and support you no matter what. No matter how old you are, you will always be my baby. We will have a lot to learn together as I have never done this before. I know I will make mistakes but promise to give you my all. You have me for life.

Love,

Your Mommy

Week 22

I cannot believe we are already at 22 weeks! Up until this point I have had a pretty good pregnancy. I can't say I love being pregnant but I can't complain either. If it weren't for the heartburn, fatigue, nausea, achy back, and general discomfort I would feel like normal! Now that I have started to feel those kicks and bumps it has become more real to me. The past week I've begun to experience the joy of "tossing and turing" at night. I have never experienced this before, usually I sleep like a baby all night long. When I got up this morning I was trying to negotiate with the baby, telling him I know he is running out of space but if we could just compromise it would be great :) I don't think that's going to work... poor thing is already low on space the way it is! I also thought I would share the obligatory pregnancy photos... I tried to give you a before and after. You should be thankful I'm sharing a frumpy photo of myself :)

12 weeks

22 weeks

We had our 20 week ultrasound before Christmas and found out we are having a (but you can't tell my dad!!)....

BOY!!

We are very excited about a little boy, hopefully we are able to keep up with him. Ryan is already talking about bringing him home in a Packer jersey. I shot that one down pretty quickly. Not to worry everyone but we also found out at the ultrasound that our little one has a white spot in his left ventricle. Apparently it isn't anything to stress over but we have to take a closer look at a level II ultrasound in a week or so. I am a bit nervous but it sounds like a common finding that they just need to look into further to make sure everything is 100% OK. Apparently it typically resolves by the third trimester. Everything else, including the rest of the heart, looked normal otherwise but keep us in your prayers until then. We'll love him no matter what. I will make sure to keep you updated. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and New year.

♥,

Raquel

Baby J!

Ryan and I are proud to announce we are expecting! Our little peanut is due May 6th, 2012 making me 15 weeks along. I feel like this announcement is a bit delayed, but I think my nervousness about something happening got the best of me. Working in medicine, I know all too well that things don't always have the outcome you plan. But so far, everything is going well. We've heard the baby's heartbeat twice now and it's going strong at 150-155 beats per minute.

I always felt I'd feel this significant change the minute I found out I was pregnant, but I still feel the same. Of course, the nausea and fatigue are sure signs, but it's hard to equate those changes to a child growing within you as opposed to a virus that doesn't go away. What can I say, I'm not a "seasoned" pregnant person as one of my attending doctors told me, and I have a feeling I never will be. However, the past few weeks I have begun to notice the "bump" and am pretty sure I felt a flutter the other day. I am starting to feel more and more that I'm going to be a mommy. It's a weird yet exciting feeling. I have also noticed an even stronger bond between my husband and I, he is such a wonderful man and I am so excited to see him as a father because I know he's going to be good one. I am one lucky girl.

We love you already baby and can't wait to see your beautiful face!

Baby's first picture:

♥ Raquel and Ryan

The Match

I will know tomorrow at noon where I have matched for residency and will spend the next four years of my life! I am not nervous anymore. Whatever the outcome, I know it is what God intends for Ryan and I. I am just so honored that any program believed in me enough to give me the opportunity to learn pathology at their institution. Every hour of studying, ounce of sweat shed, moment I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, sick person I had to fly next to, and time missed with my family has led me to this point. For once I am not ashamed to admit that I am damn proud of myself; I could shout it from the rooftops! The humors within me are placid tonight, nothing can shake me now, regardless of the outcome tomorrow. I will keep you updated!

I Choose Today!

One of my best friends from high school (and still is today) posted a picture on Facebook of my senior high school class. My first impression was how incredibly small our group was. I knew every one of them to some degree or another, we were great friends. At the time my class didn't seem too small but my experience in college and medical school was a stark contrast, not knowing many of my classmates. I now appreciate the intimacy we had with each other. My point? I was honestly shocked when I thought about the fact that it has been eight years since I graduated from high school. How much I know we have all changed since then. We are living our own lives, in our own separate worlds. The older we get, the more disconnected we become. Family takes precedent over everything else because they don't get adequate time the way it is. Its not wrong, just reality. I definitely do not consider myself old, but the feelings of nostalgia paralyze me more than they used to. Being part of a team. Hitting a 200 yard tee shot, right down the fairway at Sectionals. The excitement of crushes. Spending a Saturday with my mom, sister, and grandma shopping. The newness of everything. Constantly dreaming of what could be instead of what is. Wanting to spend every minute with my now husband. No obligations. I wonder why people epitomize this time in their life? Is it being young or the anticipation? Life had not disappointed us yet. I realized that the past eight years I have been living my life trying to make it to the next step. Once I pass calculus, life will start. Once I get into medical school, life will start. Once I get married, life will start. Once I pass my boards, life will start. Once I enter residency, life will start. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed every one of those eight years. I just worry that I will always justify life this way. Once I finish residency, life will start. Once I finish my fellowship, life will start. Once I pay off my education loans, life will start. Once I'm able to buy a home, life will start. I don't want to live that way anymore. I want life to start NOW!

Medical school has only added fuel to my Type A personality, so part of me wonders if I can just go with the flow? As Suze Orman says, the American Dream is changing. Maybe the ultimate goal is not to buy a home and have three kids. Maybe the dream is whatever you make of it. I don't know what my dream is but I do know that whatever I choose I want to do it passionately. Practice pathology with passion for quality patient care. Live every day as if it's the last. Create a happy environment wherever I go. Give back. Take pride in my health. Own my body. Love with all I have. It starts today. Who's with me?

Love,
Raquel

3rd Anniversary

What a wonderful world!

Happy 16th Birthday

Dear Riley,

I'm always sad today. Sad that you didn't get to have Mommy tuck you in every night. Sad you didn't get to be a big sister to Peyton and Joey. Sad you can't have the excitement of getting your driver's license. Sad we can't throw you a big sweet sixteenth birthday and tell you how much we love you. But, today is also a joyous one because you have enriched my life so much. We resurrected the video of you this summer and were overwhelmed with joy because we got to see you again. You were such a beautiful baby! I miss you every day. I pray you are dressed in a beautiful dress, blowing out the candles on your birthday cake, and dancing in Heaven tonight. If you see a blown kiss floating around, know it's from your big sister, wishing you a very happy birthday.

♥ Raquel

Blue Christmas

Today marks the 4th anniversary of Ryan and my engagement. I can't help but reflect on how much our lives have changed since that day Ryan got down on his knee and told me that I was the one he wanted to share his life with. I thank God every day for that. I often wonder what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, I almost feel guilty. The past two months, I have traveled the country visiting pathology residency programs in hopes to find our city of residence come July. There is potential I will uproot him once again, all for the benefit of my career... as if his doesn't matter. My husband is very passionate about what he does and who am I to take it away from him? I feel like a very selfish creature this Christmas. I understand that Ryan knew he was marrying someone entering the field of medicine, it's just a harsh reality knowing all the sacrifice we both are making for it. However, through all this, Ryan supports all my decisions, even if they are not his preference, and he does it with such love. We don't know where we'll be next July, the match process is so unpredictable, but I know no matter where we end up, things will work out because we are a team. We have decided to let God guide us on this journey. We have given up the control to Him as He knows what is best. It may be naive of us, but there is no other way we'll make it through this life. We all need to have faith. Faith that God is the light. Faith that He knows our best will, regardless of who you see as your God. Without faith, we are nothing.

Currently I am rotating at a medical examiners office studying forensic medicine. It is a great learning experience but is also very depressing, especially around the holiday season. My wish for you this Christmas is to be safe! ALWAYS wear your seat belt, don't drink or text and drive, and for Pete's sake, don't follow anyone too close on the freeway! I have learned all too well this year that life can be stripped from you at any instant, so live large, dream big, and love with all you have.

What have I been up to since I last blogged?

1. I saw a Gopher game with my dad. It wasn't a pretty game for Minnesota, but it was a memorable evening, thanks Dad!

2. I had a visiting rotating in Minnesota and I got to stay in Kenyon for the month. I have listened to Taylor Swift's new CD several times since I got back to Kansas City and every time, I think of you. Gosh, I love these kids!


3. Had a sleepover at Savannah's apartment. We went shopping, stayed up late, laughed a bunch, and realized though many years separate us, we have a lot in common.

4. Spent a week with my wonderful in-laws for Thanksgiving. Cindy and I made Beouf Bourguignon straight out of Julia Child's recipe book. It was delicious. However, even if it would have been terrible, it would have been worth it. Oh, and do you notice someone new? Welcome, Jenna! You and Matthew are a beautiful couple.

5. Traveled to 9 states, 12 cities, and slept in 10 different beds. I'm exhausted!

♥ Raquel

Currently Reading: A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick

Listening to: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

I just finished my Outlander book... all I can say is WOW! It's one of those epic stories that is so complex it is difficult to get into but once established, it is truly magical. Albeit, graphic and at times violent. I will definitely be reading the others in the series!

I'm Free FALLing

I can't keep track of myself anymore. My personal calendar is stuffed full of travel around the country in the next three months. Do not mistake this for busyness. My schedule is the most free it has been in three years. I have almost every evening to enjoy cooking, exercising with my husband, and reading books. I have almost every weekend free to expend my energy any way I choose. Life is so incredibly good! I feel like a normal person again, I had forgotten.

Looking back on this time in my life, I will truly miss it. Ryan and I would like children someday, but it is so nice to be free of commitment. Don't get me wrong, when children do come, I will cherish every moment with them. I do think we will be better parents for it, though! I absolutely do not look down on people who have children early in their marriages, there are definitely benefits to doing so. I'm probably internally justifying my sacrifice (having children early) to become a physician. I LOVE having young parents and grandparents. Life has a different energy and dynamic. Growing up, we didn't have much but that was always OK. I appreciated working hard and the relationships in my life more than if I had grown up with everything. As I said, it has its benefits.

We just returned from a trip to Colorado. We were there for peak fall colors and did some hiking at Rocky Mountain National Park and I had my first interview. I felt the interview went well and I really loved the program! Living in the mountains for four years as a free spirit learning pathology sounds pretty good. While hiking, I felt so close to heaven... I swear it was within reach. What a beautiful, spiritual experience! If I ever return there, I will be in better shape :/ The altitude and climbing uphill is exhausting!

I found out I passed the exam I took in Philadelphia, no more to pass in order to graduate! I'm on a two week family medicine rotation right now. Next is the Mayo Clinic for four weeks and I'm very excited! I do feel bad leaving Ryan behind... again. Though, there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.

Love ♥, Raquel

Listening To: The Boys of Fall by Kenny Chesney
Currently Reading: Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

I Passed (Part Deux)

Just got my written exam score back and I PASSED!! My scores were slightly lower than the step 1 exam I took last year but I'm still happy with my score. I do not know if I passed the oral exam yet but to be honest, the written exam is the one I DID NOT want to re-take. Thank goodness I don't have to... things are looking up. Not many hurdles left to graduating!

Love, ♥ Raquel

Decided

I have officially submitted my residency applications. What specialty have I chosen? Pathology. Why? A series of thoughts and revelations have led to this decision. Through my first two years of medical school, I enjoyed pathology but didn't consider it as a career. To be honest, the thought just didn't cross my mind. During rotations last year I liked every specialty for different reasons but did not feel an intimate connection with anything... until I followed the pathologist on my surgical rotations. So what does a pathologist do? Pathology literally translated means the "study of disease." Using laboratory and tissue samples, pathologists aid physicians in diagnosing illness so patients can get the treatment they need. I may do some autopsies in my career as well but overall they only constitute 2% of total practice.

The reasons I chose pathology as my future career:

1) Almost all pathologist are HAPPY people, unlike many other physicians I came in contact with

2) It energizes me

3) Potential for teaching

4) Intellectual challenge

5) I feel I can make a difference in pathology, whether that is through research or making a correct diagnosis

6) I can actually use my business degree!

7) Separation from the hierarchy and politics in medicine

8) Independence to tailor my practice

The down side is there is no patient care. However, I have realized that as a pathologist I can see patients if I want (though it will not be in bulk). Will I get paid for it?? Probably not, but that makes it all the more fulfilling. I feel as a pathologist I can channel my love for patients and people into a life of service. I will have more time to volunteer at a free clinic or travel abroad to disaster sites and give back that way. I am so excited about my decision! People don't have to understand but I have realized in life that is okay. Not answering to anyone or conforming is so incredibly liberating! With lots of prayer, God has led me to this decision. What an amazing gift! With His guidance I am letting life lead me instead of the other way around. I am empowered.

Now, waiting for my board scores is another story. I feel like I have passed my written exam but I just cannot know for sure. I am not quite as confident on my PE, I made some stupid mistakes. I really do not want to take either exam again but if so it will not be the end of the World. I just want to know either way soon!

Another thing that on my mind recently is Ryan. I don't think people realize how much he does for me and I definitely do not give him enough credit for it. He followed me to Kansas City to follow my dream because he loved me more than anything, something I have never doubted. With residency, there is potential I will uproot him again, something I don't have much control of. Yet through it all, he is still here supporting me financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. But more than that he is my confidant, best friend... someone I can say anything to without judgement. Ryan, I love you more than my luggage. We are the real thing, the Big Kahuna.

Some highlights of the past 6 weeks:

1. Since I had to fly to Philadelphia for my PE exam, Ryan joined me to see the city. Ryan wore me out but we did see a lot. The Philly Cheesesteak IS as good as they say!

2. Going to Milwaukee to visit a dermatopathology office and Tim and Cindy. We also got to meet Matthew's new girlfriend, Jenna. She was so sweet. I told Tim and Cindy I couldn't say anything bad about them because I didn't want to do anything to scare her away :-)

3. Having my Dad and the clan come down for a weekend visit. We got to see NDSU beat KU on their home field... probably will never see that again! The 7 of us stuffed into our two bedroom apartment but I wouldn't have had it any different.

4. Started my pathology rotation at KU. So far it has been a great experience.

I can't remember the last time I had a free weekend in Kansas City, it may have been in June?? Ryan had to work this morning but we plan on enjoying the weather when he gets home. I miss my family so much, thanks for keeping me in your prayers throughout this process. It has been hard being away but know it will pay off in the end!!

Remembering the lives lost on 9/11 today as well as the men and women who have fought for our country in the days since. That day is forever imprinted in my memory. God bless the families of those who passed on that fateful day.

♥ Raquel

Currently Reading: The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks

Listening to: Is There Life Out There by Reba McEntire

P.S. I finished reading Mockingjay, the final book in the Hunger Games Trilogy... not what I was expecting. I planned on re-reading the series after I finished the final book but needed time to digest it first, really makes you think.