2nd Anniversary

Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love

Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love

Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end

Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love

Grow Old With Me sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter, lyrics by John Lennon

Ryan, the song we should have danced to at our wedding. God bless our love. To another year together. I love you.

Raquel

Dear Riley,

Happy 15th Birthday! Each year that passes is another we have not shared with you here on this Earth. Recently the doctor I am working with and I had a conversation about you. He was talking to me about how babies like you do not usually make it long enough to spend any time with their families who love them dearly. I told him about a strong, beautiful girl I had the privilege of being the sister of so many years ago, You. I told him how though we only got two precious days with you, we would never trade them for anything. I told him how happy we were to hold you in our arms if even for a short time. A bittersweet memory. Happy we met you, sad you had to go, but also thankful you did not suffer and instead live in a Paradise we here can only imagine.

That doctor and I recently delivered a baby that may not live much longer. We talked about how even when all the right decisions are made, sometimes things happen with no reason why, but yet somehow still fit into God's great plan. I still don't know why God needed you up there with him and I may never know. Maybe that is okay, maybe it's for us to figure out on our own. I trust His judgment, though difficult to deal with sometimes. Our beautiful angel.

As another Christmas nears, I not only celebrate the birth of Jesus but yours as well. It is definitely a day to celebrate, our true miracle. I will never forget. As long as I live, I will keep your memory alive. Happy birthday my precious Riley.
Your Loving Sister,
Raquel



In memory of Riley Elizabeth Garcia, December 20 1994 - December 22 1994

The Scary Side of OB

I got home this morning at 6 AM, 24 hours after I left home for the day, in a sort of trance. On my mind was a family. A family that had patiently awaited the birth of a new member of their family all day long.

After the regular day events were over I headed over to labor and delivery to help the midwife and observe. We checked on the patient every couple of hours and the progression of labor was slow but sure. I found things to do but by 2:30 AM I was exhausted and the midwife told me to lay down for a while and she would come wake me up when it was time to deliver, little did I know how grateful I would be she told me to do this. I woke up to the alarm I normally set for Ryan at 4:30 AM wondering why she hadn't come to get me yet. I headed back out to the floor from the physician's lounge to a strange setting. I knew immediately something in the air was wrong. All the lights were off, an eerie buzz pervaded over, and there was only one person at the nursing station to tell me the events that unfolded in the two hours I slept. They never came to get me because things got ugly fast. I don't want to delve into details but in the end mom was okay and baby stabilized yet was being flown to another hospital. I witnessed the scary side of OB. A memorable, beautiful moment was stripped from this wonderful family. I will never forget the look of horror on my preceptor's face as he told me I was free to go. I understand that medicine isn't always pretty and that as a medical student we should see all angles of it. However, in this instance I was glad I was asleep, thankful I did not witness the traumatic event. I'm not going to lie and say this didn't scare me because it did. Could that happen to me? Scare may not even be a big enough word, terrified is more like it. I'm glad I had the day off today to sleep and clear my head as I'm not sure how I would have seen patients today in the mindset I'm in. I feel so bad about the whole situation, for everyone involved. I prayed to God last night to watch over that family and keep the baby safe. That's all I can do.

Epiphany

So sleepy. I was at the hospital yesterday for 19 hours seeing patients, monitoring women in labor, assisting with C-sections, and helping deliver babies. I'm finally doing what I have waited for. The ten year old in my old journals would have told you she wanted to be an obstetrician and since yesterday I hadn't given up on that.

Witnessing the birth of a baby is one of the most spiritual and intimate things I have ever been a part of. I was assisting in the delivery of a healthy baby girl at one in the morning today, 24 hours after labor started. After the birth, we put her on her mom's chest, content. Her dad's eyes were welled up with tears in complete elation over the beautiful creation he made with the woman he loves. I felt like an intruder on the special moment. It is such a gift to be a part of something so beautiful. However, I couldn't help but think that when I look back at this month of OB/GYN someday it will simply be a fond memory.

My doctor and I were on call last night and he missed his only daughter's Christmas program where she played the part of an angel. I'm not sure if this event led to our conversation this morning but he told me something that I cannot ignore. He told me that if I take any advice from him over the month it is to choose a specialty where I'm not required to sleep over at the hospital three nights a week. He said that the birth of a baby is a beautiful thing and in medical school the rush of it is there but when you give up your family life year after year, the novelty wears away and the regret sets in. Regret over missing the event's in your child's life. Regret that you're only home four days a week. I'm sure not every obstetrical practice runs the same but regardless the time commitment is great.

The average work week for OB/GYN residents in residency is 80 hours a week. In the prime of my life, I don't want to sacrifice family for my career. I have wanted to go into obstetrics since my little sister Riley passed away and I wanted to become a doctor to make a difference and keep her memory alive. As little as a month ago I felt that if I didn't go into OB/GYN I would be giving up my dream and letting her down. I have realized that she would be proud of me no matter what I choose to do in this life. People make change, not titles. I don't think delivering babies is what I'm meant to do. By not going into it, I will preserve my ardor for the miracle. I have every intention of working long hours the rest of the month to be a part of as many deliveries as I can and leave it content and with a greater appreciation for the field.

I have also found that as much as I try otherwise - I have the mindset of a nurse more so than a physician. I deliver the babies with the nurse midwives and am more attuned to the way they practice. This is even more true in the field of obstetrics. I have noticed the OB/GYN doctors are much more eager to get a C-section. As the midwife told me last night if you are not a patient person, you should not be in obstetrics. There were several times last night when we could have told the laboring woman forget it, we're done, time for a C-section but we didn't. We gave her the time she needed and the last hour went without a hitch and she delivered a beautiful (and apparently stubborn) baby girl. Maybe my philosphy will make me a better physician.

Ryan and I are having a Christmas/Bunko party at our apartment next weekend which will be fun and then the next weekend we are heading to WI for Christmas. I will post pictures and update soon. Hope everyone has a safe and blessed Christmas holiday. God Bless.

Love ♥ Raquel

Listening To: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
Reading: The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold