Epiphany

So sleepy. I was at the hospital yesterday for 19 hours seeing patients, monitoring women in labor, assisting with C-sections, and helping deliver babies. I'm finally doing what I have waited for. The ten year old in my old journals would have told you she wanted to be an obstetrician and since yesterday I hadn't given up on that.

Witnessing the birth of a baby is one of the most spiritual and intimate things I have ever been a part of. I was assisting in the delivery of a healthy baby girl at one in the morning today, 24 hours after labor started. After the birth, we put her on her mom's chest, content. Her dad's eyes were welled up with tears in complete elation over the beautiful creation he made with the woman he loves. I felt like an intruder on the special moment. It is such a gift to be a part of something so beautiful. However, I couldn't help but think that when I look back at this month of OB/GYN someday it will simply be a fond memory.

My doctor and I were on call last night and he missed his only daughter's Christmas program where she played the part of an angel. I'm not sure if this event led to our conversation this morning but he told me something that I cannot ignore. He told me that if I take any advice from him over the month it is to choose a specialty where I'm not required to sleep over at the hospital three nights a week. He said that the birth of a baby is a beautiful thing and in medical school the rush of it is there but when you give up your family life year after year, the novelty wears away and the regret sets in. Regret over missing the event's in your child's life. Regret that you're only home four days a week. I'm sure not every obstetrical practice runs the same but regardless the time commitment is great.

The average work week for OB/GYN residents in residency is 80 hours a week. In the prime of my life, I don't want to sacrifice family for my career. I have wanted to go into obstetrics since my little sister Riley passed away and I wanted to become a doctor to make a difference and keep her memory alive. As little as a month ago I felt that if I didn't go into OB/GYN I would be giving up my dream and letting her down. I have realized that she would be proud of me no matter what I choose to do in this life. People make change, not titles. I don't think delivering babies is what I'm meant to do. By not going into it, I will preserve my ardor for the miracle. I have every intention of working long hours the rest of the month to be a part of as many deliveries as I can and leave it content and with a greater appreciation for the field.

I have also found that as much as I try otherwise - I have the mindset of a nurse more so than a physician. I deliver the babies with the nurse midwives and am more attuned to the way they practice. This is even more true in the field of obstetrics. I have noticed the OB/GYN doctors are much more eager to get a C-section. As the midwife told me last night if you are not a patient person, you should not be in obstetrics. There were several times last night when we could have told the laboring woman forget it, we're done, time for a C-section but we didn't. We gave her the time she needed and the last hour went without a hitch and she delivered a beautiful (and apparently stubborn) baby girl. Maybe my philosphy will make me a better physician.

Ryan and I are having a Christmas/Bunko party at our apartment next weekend which will be fun and then the next weekend we are heading to WI for Christmas. I will post pictures and update soon. Hope everyone has a safe and blessed Christmas holiday. God Bless.

Love ♥ Raquel

Listening To: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
Reading: The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold