Where has the time gone?

I can't believe as I am writing this, my little boy is almost four months old! I am so smitten with our little man that I will choose playing with him in lieu of writing a blog every time. However, someday I will regret that I did not put these times into words at least periodically. Ryan and I watch J and know he's learning something, it's so miraculous. It's so funny but so true that everything your child does is cute, I just can't get enough! I think we take for granted all the skills acquired in our lifetime. J loves people talking to him and his bottles! He is becoming such a chunk (though I am not at all surprised about this). The caregivers at his daycare were telling me that though he is behind in the physical milestones (rolling over) he is one of the more interactive babies. I guess Ryan and I never expected to create a Michael Jordan, ha!

On that note, J started daycare at the beginning of this month and I feel like every day I have to hold in the tears leaving him there. It's like I'm leaving a piece of me behind and I don't get it back until we meet again in the evening. It has gotten a little easier as I have gotten to know the "teachers" better and see how much J likes them. However, I still can't help but feel a little guilty about it. I think it's ten times harder on me than J. I don't think I would ever want to quit working completely but having a lighter schedule would be nice. Unfortunately, that is not an option for me at this point. I am so thankful that I have my dream job but just have to find a better balance.

It's strange thinking back on my last blog and how much has changed even since then. The first few weeks postpartum were kind of difficult on me. I have never had any problems with feeling sad or depressed but that was the closest I've gotten to it. I was surprised as I never anticipated that happening. Literally everything made me want to cry. I was so in love with my little boy yet so exhausted and overwhelmed. I was celebrating the birth of my child but mourning the baby in my belly, the person who had lived within me for nine months. It is not logical and I am embarrassed to admit it, but that's honestly how I felt. My head understood that the baby that was inside me was J but my heart still felt like something had been ripped from it. Birth is such a traumatic separation that it's almost scary not feeling the baby move inside anymore. I was even having phantom baby movements. I can't explain it any better than that, it was just strange. However, that feeling soon subsided so maybe it was just the hormones. Now, I can't even imagine being anything but thankful for everything God has blessed us with. I am starting the most important role of my life, being a mommy, and wow is it a great ride! I can't wait to see what kind of little man J blossoms into. Nothing has ever felt more real or significant. 

Love, Raquel